I am not an a**hole, I am just trying hard to be one

Last year I wrote about a very innovative effort for breast cancer awareness: women updating their status messages on Facebook with the color of their bra, something that kept us men making wild guesses. I was intrigued by the ability of women in this case to convert spam into something fun and altruistic. Well, I guess I spoke too soon.

Nowadays, I am bombarded with status messages which are nothing but spam, people cutting and pasting a spam message from their friend. The excitement in me, generated by these messages, can only compete with the feeling I get when I am, occasionally, informed by a Good Samaritan Nigerian that he is willing to share a few million dollars of his fortune just because I am a good person.

Let me just remind you folks that the box says, “What’s on your mind?”, and contrary to popular belief Mark Zuckerman did not name it “What can you cut and paste today?” If he did then Sean Parker would have told him “Rename it to ‘What’s on your mind, its cleaner’!”

We all know that cancer is a killer disease and we should all go for a regular check up, especially people who are wrapping a 50 over one day match and are hoping to last through a five day test. But, I really doubt whether the Harvard research assistant will rush to his lab after reading your status message about the urgent need for a cure for cancer! If it was so simple, then the American Cancer Society wouldn’t be spending $90 million on medical research and programs.

Another message that is doing the rounds is about how great your mother is. I know she is the only person in the world who really cares about you, but the probability of her reading your status is 1 in a few thousands. There is a high chance she is not on Facebook, and even if she is, you want to tell me you have your mother as a friend in Facebook? “Dude! You need a life!” Also, this is not the right forum to express your unconditional love for your mother. It’s like Baba Ramdev giving the keynote speech for the American Heart Association: if we spend 5 minutes practicing Kapalbhati then we will not require Angioplasty! Instead of updating your status, just call her and read the message to her. Believe me, it will cause wonders. In fact I exactly did that and now I know what the word inheritance means.

But my favorite status update is the one that was endorsed by Narcissus that says “I am the best looking woman on Facebook. If you think you are the best looking woman please cut and paste this message as your status message”. My problem here is not with your expression of modesty but the fact that you are diluting the meaning of the word “best”. If overzealous parents realize that there are 250 million best looking women on Facebook, then they will stop breathing down their child’s neck asking her to be the best in the class! A typical classroom will be the socialistic utopia where every child is best!

So here’s my plea to the Facebook community. Limit your so called awareness status updates to lingerie. If you run out color, talk about texture, material, size and type. You can go really go wild until your friends get a visual picture that’s better than the security cameras at the US airports.

But on second thoughts I doubt whether people will listen to me. So, my motto is if you can’t beat them, join them. So, please cut and paste the following messages on your status:

“I am not an a**hole. I am just trying hard to be one”. If you suffer from delusional disorder and think you are Mark Zuckerman please cut and paste this message.

Make sure that at least 100 people cut and paste the message from THIS BLOG! Otherwise your Facebook account will be deleted. Hey, I own Facebook, I can do that!